I will warn you right off - this is not a happy post. It will be depressing, and possibly, surprising. 2012 is just about at end, and for all of us it has been a difficult year in one way or another. So many tragic events, the most recent in Connecticut, have left me reeling with so many unanswered questions and a growing, profound sorrow.
I struggle at this time of year because it is a season of personal loss for me - first and foremost in my mind is my mom who passed away, unexpectedly, on Nov 9th seven years ago and whose birthday falls on Dec 5th, from a massive heart attack. It is easier now to talk of it, but it still haunts me and probably always will. Then just 6 months after that my stepfather passed away, and his birthday falls on Christmas Eve. And then, this past September my nanday conure, Baby, whom I shared my life with for 28 wonderful years and was the greatest source of joy in my life, left me and flew over the rainbow bridge.
It is a week until Christmas and I am wishing it will just be over. There is no tree to decorate and no one to share it with. I am beyond grateful that the shop is so busy this time of year so I have less time to dwell on lonely and empty holidays. I cannot help but feel my life and my person are unimportant and meaningless. It's funny, most everyone I come in contact with gets my cheerful, can do, no problemo version and have no idea of what is really going on behind that mask. And I don't often show this side of me, but there is a need, even though depression is a private affair.
I am sorry if this is such a downer for you to read during a time when there is supposed to be much joy. I am embarrassed by this, though I can't explain why. Maybe it's because it's the life I've been dealt which I cannot seem to understand or reconcile, though I do try. Maybe it's because of the downward spiral the holidays always hoist upon me. I don't know. And worse, I don't even know if I have the ability to change things at this point. I am emotionally exhausted and although I hate to admit defeat, because I am a fighter, I must. Tomorrow I may feel differently, but today all I want to do is curl up in a corner and lick my wounds because I cannot help but feel poisoned by sorrows past and present.
The purpose of this awkward and embarrassing confession is that I know I am not alone. There are countless people out there who are going through something that makes them feel completely lost, completely despondent, and unable to make their situation better or to feel anything but a deep, all pervasive sorrow. If you know someone like this, someone who is feeling set apart from the joy of the season, please please please do something to help them because they are incapable of helping themselves right now. It won't take much - an invitation to a holiday meal, a small gift, a phone call even. Just let them know they are not forgotten and meaningless, and more importantly, that someone does care.
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